(01/07/26) Title: Random Update
I haven't updated this blog in a while, but I think it'll help get some things off my mind before I start working on assignments. I've been overseas over christmas break to visit family for the first time in 10 years. The food here is amazing and all the people I've met are really fun to be around. However, I've been having a strong feeling of guilt because of my less than ideal academic perfomance. I've been struggling with focusing on my work and lectures and it caused me to fall behind in my classes last quarter. I've gotten a prescription now for adhd medication so that should hopefully help once I return to college, but I can only hope. Another thing has been bothering me though, and this is probably really self-centered and mean, but my cousins have been really annoying me. They give off a really entitled vibe and they have huge attitudes. My cousin casually asks my dad for large amounts of money and I hate it. It upset me so much that I brought it up in conversation without thinking, and everyone just took it as a joke. I think the reason it affected me is something deeply rooted in my psyche, but I'll try to put it into words now. Firstly, my father pays for all my college debt. This fact is the main factor driving my previously mentioned guilt regarding my performance. He has lectured me time and time again about how if my grades slip, he would be willing to kick me out of college and the house. He is a brutally honest parent, but I do greatly respect that about him, and that aspect of his character is one that I've adopted myself. I rarely ask my dad for money outside of when i get food with friends; I might ask for a single video game once a year. Keeping all this in mind, and seeing how my cousin so casually asks him to buy her flight tickets, it struck a nerve. My dad agrees without hesitation, and I just end up feeling like I'm ripping off my dad while my cousin doesn't feel any sort of hesitation to ask more of him than what they offer him in return. I think the second reason is that I'm actually just insecure when i compare myself to my cousin. She has a job and I can only assume her grades are better than mine. Yes she is taking a much easier major than I am, but my family wouldn't understand that, they can only see what the results are. That combined with how she refers to her elders by their first names, is lazy to the point she is constantly asking people to go get things for her when she is perfectly capable of doing so, and talks to several guys at the same time and constantly brags about it as if it's a flex; it all drives me mad because if you compare us at a surface level, she's more successful and a harder worker than me. It makes me lose my mind because I work so hard just to pay attention to single lectures. I have to devise very specific and tedious systems that force me to maintain my attention on assignments. I exhaust myself so easily through just the act of trying to work. After all my effort, the best I seem to produce nowadays, are average grades and art that nobody cares about. I seriously hate it. She can act out like a complete degenerate while I feel like I'm worse because I can't get good grades. OKAY, now back to reality, everything I just said was just a reflection of my emotional side, not the logical one. Logically, I have different circumstances, and I can't know what everyone actually thinks of me, I can only make assumptions that are likely innaccurate due to my major inferiority complex. I think in a sense though, that same complex will drive me to achieve things greater than the more positive, calm approach I took last quarter. Anyways, I'm tired of typing so I'll end things here for now.
