(8/12/26) Title: okay
i need to talk to someone. a friend. i'll try that today.
i need to talk to someone. a friend. i'll try that today.
I feel like I've lost so much control over my life to a point where trying to regain it is a waste of energy. I know thinking like that won't help but it's so hard to fight the notion that I'm just fundamentally incapable of fixing myself. My friends vent about their problems and all I can think about is how much more in control they are; how much more success and acceptence they've gotten. They're all on track to finishing their degrees. I just dropped out of college. They have career paths set out for them in fields most people can respect. I failed to become a software engineer and am now just a mediocre artist. There are children with art more deserving of recognition than me. I'm 20 years old and I have no plan for the future. I'm not good enough at drawing to get hired for it, I have no idea how to make actual songs with lyrics, and I don't know what type of video game I would even want to make. I have no direction. People around me have direction AND financial stability. I have NEITHER. I rot for most days. What the hell do I do. Fuck. Fuckkkkkkkkk. I'm going fucking mad here. I'm having weird dreams and they always end with me almost dying. Everything makes me upset. I punched a hole in the wall at my grown age. I'm not an angry person at heart. I'm not like my father. It's so scary. I'm so scared nothing will change. I'm scared this is all a big, elaborate joke. I'm just fucked. I see why people pray and get into religion. Obviously most of the time it's indoctrination, but some people have a crisis like this that cause them to lose the willpower to live. That's when they turn to stuff like the church. i don't want that. I want to fix this. please. all i can do this say please and beg like a helpless dog. i'm so tired. tired of being absolutely nothing. tired or not seeing a future and marching down a dead end. please.
I want to make a mark on the world, I want to matter. I want to feel like I meet their expectations. After that, I'll never talk to them ever again. I'll be free. I also really want to get on estrogen. I'm definitely a girl and I'm tired of pretending I'm anything besides a girl. It hurts a lot to come to terms with, but it's a realization I had a long time ago and I kept pushing it away; I can't do that anymore. I need my own money and healthcare plan or whatever I can't leech off anyone, I don't want to. I need to figure something out. I will make a game, get a job, do everything. It will work out I've been pushing for so long I know there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel.
So I kinda hit a dead end with college as far as progress goes. It just isn't for me, and I accepted that. That begs the question: what IS for me? I know I love to draw, but there isn't much I can do with that alone, at least at my current level (compelete novice). I won't stop drawing, but there has to be something I'd like to pursue besides that, right? I did start college with a major in "Computer Science: Game Design", but I ended up hating the actual programming classes so much that I became disillussioned with the idea of developing my own game. I really had so many cool ideas, but they never really came together to form a complete picture that I could base a game on, and school didn't help my motivation either. However, now that the pressure of school is likely gone for a while, my urge to create something that expresses my life experiences in the form of a sick action game has been reborn. I'm also medicated for ADHD, allowing me to focus on learning the basics much easier. Now I just need to decide what type of game I want to make... Do I take inspiration from ULTRAKILL and make a movement shooter, or do I keep the game grounded as a 2d metroivania akin to Hollow Knight? Should I add stealth elements or a party system? Do I even want to make an "action" game, or should I make something more "experimental"? So many questions left unanswered, but I know this a normal part of the process. I'm sure the more that I expose myself to ideas adjacent to those I already have that my questions will answer themselves. Worst-case scenario: If I end up wasting my time I can just focus fully on art again. I wonder if anyone reads these, like, ever... Well if you are then I hope you're having a good day!
I keep having violent thoughts. I wish people would speak nicely the same way I speak to them.
Things did not get better. I'm so tired. I've given up on suicide as an escape so now I have no safety net to fall back on. I'm stuck here. I want to find a future for myself, I know I'm capable of great things but I'm unable to do what my family wants. I'm different and they don't understand that. Living in this house has been driving me insane. They talk to me like I'm a burden to have around and randomly lash out on me for not meeting their expectations. All I can do is stand and listen because what excuse could I give that they would care for? My ADHD? Fake. Not real. My depression? "You have nothing to be depressed about." They even cut me off from therapy. I don't have the money to pay for that on my own. I've been trying to get a job but no place is hiring me. All I can do is draw and I can't even do that well. I see people online are incredible artists while also pursuing a college degree and I can't even do either. I've just been so intensly irritated with everything. I'm bothered by the presence of people I once couldn't get enough of. Little things drive me crazy and I never even get to feel justified in my emotions because I'm a liability. I make no money, I have no academic accolades; I'm just a failed experiment. I can just keep living that's all I can do.
I almost commited last Tuesday. I was about to jump off a building but I couldn't do it. I contemplated for at least 2 hours up on that building; thinking about how I ended up like this. I wanted to be happy. I still want to. I told my mom about how I was suicidal for the first time, and she was so concerned it made me feel terrible. I probably made her feel terrible. However, I think it was the right thing to do, as she gave me the option to [potentially come home and commute to community college. This environment at my current college has just never lended itself well to me, it's a huge campus that's isolated from the rest of the city, where I have no friends and see the same people who I think about talking to (but never do). It's lonely, I'm alone. I'll be numb to it for a couple days and then I'll suddenly reach a point where any logical reasoning escapes me and I can only think of ending things. School is as hard as ever, and my healthcare provider is being slow about prescribing me medication. Whenever people show me appreciation I feel guilty because I think someone else deserves their love so much more than me. I still really want a hug though. Things will get better though. I know they will. I want to cry in someone's arms so bad, that's the only vice I need. I don't want alcohol or any drug, I just want to cry in someone's embrace. Even just admitting that makes me feel greedy. I have to keep pushing forward. I have to learn to love myself. I have to learn to accept my mistakes as a part of the human experience, and appreciate my success, no matter how miniscule it may seem in the grander picture. I will find my way.
My dumbass skipped lecture because i thought i missed the one on monday so i thought it would be better to watch the recording of that first but then i realized monday was MLK day and we didn't even have class. I literally hate myself bro. KILL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Recently I found out my ex is dating some sort of r*pist. They're aware of that fact and they're still dating him. Literally what the fuck am I supposed to do with that information. I also found out shortly after breaking up with me they called up their ex who I would always have problems with them being friends with, and they confessed they still loved him. I heard that after this, their ex realized I was actually right to not be okay with their friendship. So, my ex emotionally cheated on me and then dated a r*pist. Also their long-time highschool friends dropped them after learning they were dating a r*pist. I don't even know how to feel at this point. It's like I just wanna erase them from my mind. And it feels like the person they were around me was completely different than who everyone else knew.
I want to list out some things I'm looking forward to instead of being extremely negative. The first thing that comes to mind is that I have new classes this quarter which gives me new opportunities to make friends. Right now I only talk to my roomates occasionally but I want to make friends I can form close connections to rather than just being aquaintences. Next, I finally get to use the college gym again, meaning I can bench press, use the squat rack, do pull ups, and use the treadmill again. Another thing is I can now get some time away from my family which i desperately needed. Finally, I signed up for a half-marathon with two of my friends which will take place in August, and I'm super excited as I've always wanted to run one. My biggest hope for the year is that I can get good grades, my second is that I can make meaningful progress on creating art and media, and my third is that I can make friends (and hopefully have some sort of romance in my life as well that would be appreciated).
I'm so tired. Being around my family for this long is exhausting. I don't know why honestly. I think I just want to be left alone for a while. I can't wait to head back home. I'm also working on college work while overseas and I'm unable to attend sections in person and I'm being forced to go out with my family. While I'm spending all my free time working it feels they don't understand how exhausted i am it just feels like all they do is laugh and scroll on social media. I think I just need to get to my dorm and spend some time alone.
I live with two roommates and they're both really nice and don't cause any trouble for me. One of them however, is absolutely HOOKED on genshin impact. I played genshin for around a year back during my freshman year of highschool, but I dropped it after I ran out of stuff to do. My roommate told me he played 60 HOURS last week. 60 HOURS. 6. 0. That's literally almost 9 hours a day. He also told me he was planning on getting S6 of a character, in which he's willing to drop $100 on getting. I told him that's psychotic, and after a bit of pushback he slowly realized I might have a point. The character he wants 6 copies of is Furina, who he also has a card on his desk of, has as his phone wallpaper, and has posters + figures of at home. I can understand liking a character and getting merch of them, but spending $100 to see a character's damage number change on screen is a little insane. Maybe I'm wrong for thinking about how it's insane. To be fair though, he once brought up how someone he knew was obsessed with fish, which he thought was SUPER weird; and it's like, dawg you have ZERO right to talk about obessions being weird.
That's pretty much all I wanted to talk about, I just thought that was wild to me. Have a great day!
car seat headrest songs hit so good in high school, and they still do now, but if i listen for too long the raw amount of emotion makes me feel like i'm going to explode. their songs used to help me let out my feelings; now they make me feel like i'm listening to music that a loved one who passed away was a fan of. i start missing who i was, clawing at my brain for the memories i had of me. the feeling of grief makes it hard to listen to. i miss that version of me, but i know it's better to move on and accept who i am now.
hello! this is my first blog post! i plan on treating this as a sort of digital diary where i ramble about random thoughts or vent about whatever i want. i don't know if anyone will end up actually reading these but i thought if i'm learning to make a website i might as well try making a blog.
